MISCARRIAGE

Ale and I found out we were pregnant with our second child on October of 2013. I was finishing up my fifth semester of nursing school and we had just pledged to each other that we would not have another baby until I was completely done with school.

Our plans took a back seat (as they often do) and we found ourselves with a positive pregnancy test and a whirlwind of emotions. I was afraid and overwhelmed by the idea of going through another pregnancy while in nursing school, and although Ale reassured me that everything would be fine, all of the emotional anguish of having a newborn and managing a full time school schedule was daunting.

We broke the news to our family on Thanksgiving Day and decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until our second trimester. November quickly ran into December and life pressed on with preparations for my final exams and planning for the upcoming holiday season all while braving through morning sickness and pregnancy hormones. There was so much going on at the time that prepping for a pregnancy was last on my priority list.

On December 11 2013, the day before my psychology final, I made my way over to the emergency room. I noticed some light spotting and as a precaution I “stopped by” to have it checked out.

I knew the drill. Short wait time, labs, maybe an ultrasound and they’d send me on my way with a just take it easy prescription. I knew that spotting during your first trimester was common so I didn’t worry. Instead, I practiced the art of being efficient and continued to study for the final exam I had scheduled.

I sat on a stretcher in the hallway of a busy ER with my notes in hand. My mind was busy reviewing proper medication administration for epilepsy and bipolar disorders, when one of the doctors made eye contact with me. He smiled and made small talk about his school days and reminisced about taking his medical school finals. I smiled back and took comfort in the conversation, thinking that his smile and nonchalant attitude was a testament to his upcoming diagnosis.

Then he paused.

His reminiscing smile left and he proceeded to share with me the results of my ultrasound in a very lifeless and sterile way. No emotion, no empathy, just the medical facts that all professionals in this field should be used to hearing.

My mind drew a blank.

I saw his lips moving but all I heard was “low fetal heart rate, possible spontaneous abortion”

He shook my hand and continued on to discuss his lunch plans with a colleague not realizing the weight of his news or that he had just shattered my world.

I shoved my notes and my emotions back in my bag and attempted to keep my composure while I sat on that stretcher, in a hallway with absolutely no privacy or chance to react to the news I was just given.   I waited for my discharge instructions and darted out of the hospital to pick up Grace from grandmas house. And then the thoughts of guilt bombarded my mind. Could I have caused this? Maybe I shouldn’t have exercised the day before? Maybe if I had taken my prenatal vitamins more consistently this would not have happened. Is this my fault? I was never truly happy about being pregnant. Was this my punishment for being too busy? Did I do this?

The thoughts soon turned into prayers and the prayers into supplications. I begged God not to take this life from me. I begged Him for a fighting chance. I begged for a few more days and for an opportunity to show this creature that he was loved and wanted.

That night I delivered our second child in my home. Ale reassured me that it wasn’t my fault but I couldn’t help but feel guilty for not keeping this creature safe in my womb. I had one job as a woman and as a mother and I failed.

The next few days were torture. I turned in my psychology final stained with tears and did my best to run away and hide. I held Grace tighter during those days and wanted to be next to her all day long. I told her that I loved her and reassured her that she was loved in attempts to make up for the lack of love and attention I had given to our precious child.

It’s been exactly a year and I still feel the heaviness of our loss as if it had happened last week. I remember the hurt and guilt and still lay in bed hoping that our babe felt loved and wanted. The memory is a painful one but it’s one that I have grown from.

I’m 35 weeks today with our sweet baby Haddon and I am so aware of how precious and fragile life is, that I don’t take one second of this pregnancy for granted. It hasn’t been an easy road and there are so many physical and emotional demands on my body these days. Between working a demanding job, managing my home and studying for mandatory classes, I often feel like I’m running on empty. But then he kicks and I’m reminded again of how beautiful it all is. I’m reminded with every doctor appointment and every heart beat heard on the ultrasound that our baby is thriving. My belly flutters, the pounds are gained, and my skin is stretched beyond belief but it’s all worth it. It’s all worth the reminder that our babe is getting bigger and stronger and that there’s a heartbeat being paced by our creator and a life that is held in His hands.

Today I remember our loss and the grace that Christ has shown us through this experience. It was a painful one, and one that I’d thought I would never share, but sometimes God splits our hearts wide open so we can encourage others…. and that’s why I write this.

I write this for those who have received my news and were expected to keep their composure and to keep up with the demands of life. I write this to tell you that He cares and He carries us through the hurt and the guilt and in Him we find our rest. My hope is that you’ll find rest through His word and in His hands as I have.

I also wanted to share a few verses that have helped me this past year:

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. Psalm 46:1-2 

 

 

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